Tonight I’m reminded to try and go gently through the world. We are all struggling. I know I certainly am. Overall, life is amazing and I’m filled with gratitude. But sometimes I desperately need some gentleness. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don’t. I suppose that’s true for everyone.

The last few months, I’ve been more in need of gentleness than usual. A kind word, a generous deed, a thoughtful gesture – they take on even more meaning when you’re hungry for them. They help build you up when you feel depleted. Once you’re in that place, it seems there’s never enough. You reach out to people, hoping to find a morsel of gentleness, and maybe offer one as well. Sometimes your actions are rewarded and sometimes they’re rebuffed. I constantly remind myself to be kind to others whenever possible. Sometimes when you, yourself, are longing for gentleness it’s hard to find the reserves to extend it to others. But, like everyone else, I do the best I can at any given moment. We can only offer what we have to give, and no more.

I haven’t had a lot to give the last few months. My mama used to tell me that no one was pretty when they cried. Good heavens, truer words were never spoken! Shedding tears takes a lot out of a person, but it’s also cleansing. You can wash away a lot of sins with tears –  if you can let go of them. Sometimes gentleness for ourselves is the most scarce.

During a conversation tonight, a friend mentioned she appreciated my Facebook feed, which is where we’re most connected. She wrote, “You are such a kind person. I’ve found myself thinking when I’m completely exasperated with someone, what would Patsy say or do.” I thanked her and told her she was giving me too much credit. I’m always pleased, but shocked, when someone mentions I’m kind – maybe because I’m privy to all the unkind things that run through my head. That happens to everyone, right?

What prompted the conversation was the death of a mutual acquaintance. I didn’t know her well, but she was always gracious whenever I saw her. I thought about how this conversation probably never would have happened if it hadn’t been for her death. As we were talking about how difficult this would be for her loved ones it occurred to me that even in death she had delivered kindness to me through this mutual friend and her sweet words.

There it was – gentleness – just when I needed it.

And a reminder – just when I needed it – to try and go gently through the world.

Many people in my world are hurting these days. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do help them. I also realize they are representative of many more people who feel the same way.

I have friends who are writing their final wishes, who are struggling with work situations that seem impossible, and who are just downright lonely. Even though I want to help, I can’t.

I can help form the sentences that convey the final wishes, but I can’t address the underlying concerns – the reason that needs to be done soon. I can suggest ways to talk to a boss, but I am not the one living through the degrading ways people use power and the devastating effects it has a person’s psyche. I can offer encouraging words or suggest a gathering, but I can’t really address a loneliness that has settled into your bones and makes you feel hopeless.

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been stunned at how affected I am by seeing others suffer. I think it’s that I feel so helpless, yet desperately want to do something. But sometimes all I can think of to do is acknowledge the situation and say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

I am continually reminded, in a hundred different ways, of what a charmed existence I lead. I wish others could experience the same joy and gratitude on a regular basis.

Yesterday there was another mass shooting. Every time it happens, I notice fewer and fewer people are concerned about it. Today at lunch, one of my companions said, “Was there another shooting yesterday?” I never even went and read a real news story about it. I saw bits and pieces. I read the President’s comments. We are generally well-informed professionals, so how can this be.

Because we, and millions of other people, have just accepted this as part of our normal.

When I watched parents grieving their kindergartners after Sandy Hook, and saw that we made no changes as a result, I just accepted periodic, senseless shootings as part of American life. It’s just something we, as a group, have decided we’re okay with. It’s a risk we’re willing to take. We are willing to accept random mass shootings are part of the fabric of our society. We’ll take our chances. You can argue that’s not the case, but people would vote differently if they truly cared.

I live in a state with conceal/carry with no training. Although I live in a very safe little mid-western town of 40,000, there are now just places I don’t go in town – that I view as too unsafe. Why? Because I’ve accepted that the chance for a random shooting is just part of living in America now.

I’m not happy about that. It seems to me we should try to stop making so many people who want to kill other people. Why are we doing that? How are we doing that? I don’t know, but it’s clear we are. White, male loners are dangerous people, is the logical conclusion. This has been clear for decades. It seems like something we should figure out, but we have no interest in that either. I don’t know why.

I can guarantee you from personal experience that people with no training do not need to have guns. I grew up around guns. I’m pretty good with a gun. I don’t own a gun. I don’t want to ban all guns. But we do need to apply some logic to who has them and if they know what the hell they’re doing with them. Guns can kill a lot of people very quickly. There’s a reason wars are fought with guns and not knives.

Oh, there’s a lot of lip service paid to these events. We celebrate the heroes and swear we won’t glorify the shooters. And then we just keep doing what we were doing before. The things that, as a society, somehow led to the shooting.

It horrifies me to accept that mass shootings are just part of American life now, but it is clear that is the case. When we won’t do anything after kindergartners are shot, we’re not going to do anything when anyone else is shot. It’s sad, but it’s true.

This day has been spent working around the house on the typical computer projects, but also on a couple of other projects I’ve put off far too long. I can spend more time dreading doing something than it would take to just do it. I’m not sure why I do that. It’s not like I’m unaware of it, but nonetheless, it happens.

At dusk I went out for some dinner and then decided to drive out and see if I could get a nice sunset photo. It had sprinkled rain a couple of times so I thought the moisture in the air might give us a pretty sunset. It was nicely intense.

As I was coming back into town, I drove past a bull calf in a fence row, not with the rest of the herd on the other side of the fence. I started to stop at a nearby house, but then got concerned he might get on the road. So, I turned around and went back to where I could see him. I looked for a gate but didn’t see one.

The calf was going up and down the fence, sticking his head through here and there. Not knowing what else to do, I called 911 and asked them to send a deputy. I was afraid to leave him because I didn’t want him to get on the road. Only once did he move that direction, but it was getting dark and I thought that was a disaster in the making.

So, I turned around, back and forth, to keep him in my headlights. Eventually I was just sitting in the road, my hazards on, watching him, when the Sheriff’s Deputy arrived. He pulled up beside me and we were watching the calf. Then, as we’re talking, the calf finds the spot and jumps back into the field. So, problem solved.

Except, of course, the calf can come and go as he pleases, apparently. I don’t know if his people know that. But I don’t know who his people are, so I can’t help with that.

I had hoped one of the half dozen or so cars that went by would stop. I thought maybe they would know who owned the herd. But, for the first time ever, no one stopped. I’m really puzzled by that.

But, at least for that moment, the calf was back with the herd. No one driving by was going to hit him in the dark, which would have been bad for human and calf. No one was going to lose a chunk of their livelihood.

I’m not sure how my days get weird, but they do.

These two lovely people got married today!

I was fortunate enough to be invited to their wedding reception. It was at my friend, Trish’s house, which is a great spot for such things.

Jill and April are wonderful folks. We don’t know each other well, but they were generous enough to include me in their reception.

The day the marriage equality decision came down. I was joking all day, “It has been four hours and no one has invited me to a wedding!” Then, “It has been six hours and no one has invited me to a wedding!” Finally, “It has been a whole day and no one has invited me to a wedding. I just ordered a dress last night that would be perfect for a wedding. But no one has invited me to a wedding!” (That was actually true about the dress.) Anyway, I think they finally felt sorry for me and said, “Just wait, the invite is coming. Soon!”

So, the invite arrived. And I was delighted to be there to celebrate with them!

In the evening I went to hear the Vogts Sisters at Stage 9. They have those wonderful sister harmonies that are so pretty. I had stopped in at Brewed Awakening around noon when they were doing a little preview. Their concert was a nice way to wrap up a Saturday.

Tonight I had a lengthy and intense conversation with a friend. As conversations go, it was a seamless transition from one topic to another, although I’d be hard pressed now to explain how that happened.

I’m once again struck by how rare it is to have “real” conversation. Not conversation about the jetsam and flotsam of life, but real things. Things that matter. Things that affect you. Things that you care about, sometimes even when you don’t want to care about them. Things that make you who you are, including things you’re not proud of.

It requires both people to be open, to take risks, to accept that what they say will be treated with gentleness. It requires vulnerability, something most of us are loathe to extend to our fellow humans. It requires believing we can count on kindness for parts of ourselves even we have difficulty with.

I left the conversation with no regrets. I hope the same for him.

I was able to have lunch with my friend, Jon, today. We hadn’t seen each other in months. I’ve been missing him.

Lunch with a friend is one of my great pleasures in life. I think maybe because I grew up where such things just weren’t really possible because it was the country, I still love that. There’s something magical about sharing food and conversation with people.

As always, we had a wide-ranging conversation, including the state of politics in Kansas at the moment which is sad, to say the least.

Then I spent the afternoon at a client’s house and have been working on various projects since I got home. It seems I spend a tremendous amount of time at the computer!

I did finish up a couple of things that had been languishing, so that was nice. This is one of them.

Today marks my four year anniversary of being self-employed. Of course, like many businesses, it didn’t start out so cleanly.

I was doing a lot of freelance work, in addition to my fulltime position at the Cosmosphere doing PR. About six months earlier I had started thinking about quitting and trying to make a go of it doing only freelance work, but – let me be honest here – I didn’t have the guts. I was doing all the freelance I could – there just wasn’t any more time to devote to it. But, I was hesitant to leave the comfort of a full time job.

Then on June 8, 2011, I was called into the CEO’s office at the Cosmosphere and told my job had been eliminated and that it would be my last day. I was in shock. We’d just done a huge, successful event. They had just hired someone to raise money. They had hired an ad agency to handle the marketing. I felt like I would finally be able to concentrate again on the things I’d been hired to do – PR, social media, etc. But, instead I was told they were giving all that to the ad agency and events to the new hire.

When something like this happens, people surprise you. Some in one direction, some in another. As soon as I posted the news, I got a phone call from my friend, Kristine. We were working on a project together and had agreed that we’d each take $1000, and use $1000 for the materials for the project. We had agreed that I’d be paid at the end of the project, which was fine. We were about one-third of the way through it.

When I answered the phone, what I heard was, “It’s Kristine. I just read your message. Do NOT take another job before you talk to me.” We made plans to get together the next day. When I arrived, she handed me a check and said, “I want to go ahead and pay you now. I trust you to complete the project.” I thanked her and told her it wasn’t necessary – that I had some money in the bank. She insisted I take the check. “I don’t want you to be financially stressed in any way and take a job you won’t be happy in,” she said. “I think you’ll be happiest working for yourself.” I was sure she was correct about that, and was hoping it would all work out that way, but had no idea then what was going to happen.

Her kindness, unexpected and unbidden, is a gesture I will never forget. It was a perfect example of someone putting themselves in your shoes. Plus, it wasn’t about the money, it was about her belief that all was possible. She had faith – enough for both of us.

Things at the Cosmosphere continued to change. Within a few months the ad agency had been let go. Not too long after that the CEO was gone. By now the development person is also gone. And the Cosmosphere is just as cool as it ever was. It’s a wonderful place with some great, dedicated people who work there. I have nothing but love!

For the next few weeks I tried to help in any way I could, to the point that friends were saying I was being *way* too generous. But, I always like to do what’s best for the organization and be as kind to everyone as I can in the process. The Cosmosphere is such an incredibly neat place, and we are so fortunate to have it in town, I would never have wanted to do anything that would harm it in any way. I’m thankful for my time there. It was a very cool job, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have some really cool jobs!

Although I was upset that day by the shock, I knew it was meant to be. When I did my exit interview, the person said, “You don’t seem very upset.” “This is one of those ‘everything happens for a reason’ situations,” I said. And I meant it. Even though I was still distraught at the unexpected nature of the situation.

I didn’t miss that it was like God was looking down saying, “Girlfriend, I’ve been trying to help you. But you are just too dense to get it. Job keeping you from going out on your own? No problem. I got that taken care of.”

That day while I was cleaning out my office – no easy task because I personalize any space I inhabit, so there’s always some packing to do – some people stopped by to say goodbye. I so appreciated the CEO writing an email that day, telling people my position had been eliminated and that it wasn’t because of anything I had done or not done. It was nice. It gave people permission to talk to me. Some did. Some didn’t. That’s how these things go.

It was the height of the recession and although I did do a lot of hunting for a traditional job, there wasn’t much to be found. Meanwhile I just kept doing what I was doing, and my client list built up with some incredible people and organizations doing fantastic things. I am so, so, so fortunate. By the time unemployment ran out (the first time in my life I’d ever had that!), I was sure I’d be able to make a go of it.

I feel so incredibly fortunate. Most of those clients are ones I still work with. Every client I work with is doing something I believe in, and creating things that astonish me. They are all dedicated and I’m honored to be a little part of their success.

For the first time I’m going to mark the occasion with a nice dinner out with a friend. I feel so blessed. It’s worth celebrating!