Regular readers of this blog know one of my favorite things is bits of Overheard Conversation. Well, tonight was a freaking goldmine at dinner. This man, with three friends in the booth with him, was talking loud enough that everyone could have heard, but I really had the best seat in the house because my back was to him and he was talking in my direction.
Man: “Jamie has been the best of my girlfriends and wives.”
Friend: “Which one is she?”
Man: “She’s the lesbian.”
———
Man: “The kids are a little confused.”
Friend: “Why?”
Man: “Well, Daddy and Mommy aren’t living together but there’s this other woman there.”
Other Friend: “Who’s that?”
Man: “That’s her lover.”
Other Friend: “I thought you were still living there.”
Man: “Yeah, I lived there for about a month after we broke up. But it was… awkward… I could hear them and she was never like that with me.”
———
Man: “I want to get married again. You know what I miss?”
Friend: “Sex?”
Man: “No… well… kinda… but I didn’t have a lot of that to begin with. I miss coming home to my wife and kids. I want to get married again.”
———
Through more self control than I thought I possessed I was able to not jump up and say, “well, duh, she was a lesbian – of course she didn’t want to have sex with you.” I actually couldn’t imagine too many straight women wanting to have sex with this guy, but I’m guessing the attraction for a lesbian would be somewhat less. However, apparently she was attracted enough to him to have three children. So, what do I know?
Ah, but there was more wisdom to come… true wisdom… southern wisdom…
———
Smart Friend – who has been silent up until now: “You know what I think you ought to do?”
Man: “No. What?”
Smart Friend: “I think you oughta move to the south.”
Man: “Why’s that?”
Smart Friend: “Maybe it’ll put some sense into you.
Man: “What do you mean?”
Smart Friend: “In the south, when a man decides he’s going to have a goat farm, he either has some goats or some land.”
Man: “Goats?”
Smart Friend: “You got no woman and no home, much less a marriage and family life. Only yankees come up with these stupid ideas about goat-farming without having goats or land.”
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